In which I rip My heart Open to help you understand Me

I was recently having a conversation with a (gasp!) vanilla friend of mine and the topic turned to kink.


I explained a bit about what I do in sessions. Invetiably the follow up question was about whether I like doing "that stuff" in my "real" life too (I do!), what the difference is; (more input from me on what activities scene will include and also the possibility of sex, and perhaps a drink with one another after), and what I get out of it.


The underlying assumption behind that last question being that, apart from the joy of bossing another human being around, the sex life of the do-er is a pale shadow compared to that of the done-to.


So, I've been doing some thinking about Domme-ing (both in my pro and personal life) and what it is that I get out of it.


I hope you are sitting down, because what I say next may shock some folks: outside of scene, I dont really get that much of a charge out of controlling another person, making sure he feels less than me and knows I'm alpha. Not into powerstuggles and micro-management.


Dont get me wrong, I'm not into being ordered around and I will metaphorically break your balls till you give me my due respect. It just doesnt get my panties wet.


I'd much rather break your balls in a literal way, while you are securely bound, naked, nipples all sore from being abused but still hard anyway. So I guess the first thing I get out of it is a sadistic thrill- sexy FUN inflicting this intense, startling and at times almost unbearable sensations and watching the responses of the subject.


The desire/need of the willing, almost desperately eager subject( or "victim" for those times one wants to play with "forced" type scenarios) is electric and addictive. If there's a drop of Dominance or Top blood in a girl's veins, once she sees the look of pure worship and utter longing in her sub or bottom's eyes as he gives up control and waits to see what she is going to do next, she will need to play this way again and again.


Then there's the endless fun of improvising new tortures, deciding to push a scene in this or that direction. Pushing different buttons in a different order. Taking on the character of whatever archetypal disciplinarienne I am today and twisting his words until I have obtained a confession. Devising punishments that will be a pleasure to administer and ingeniously fit whatever 'crime' I am addressing in the context of the scene. It's creative and theatrical . Even with no roleplay a good scene has dramatic pacing, tension builds to a cathartic climax (double entendre unintended but unavoidable.)


It WAKES ME THE FUCK UP!


I'm alert, focused, fully present and tuned in to what I'm doing. it takes me out of myself and I'm beyond being crabby or mopey or anxious. I'm just RIGHT HERE doing this and trying to tune in on the current passing back and forth between us. That may be the most hippee-fied thing I've ever written but it's no joke, I feel energized after a good scene.


So: sadistic sexual thrills, druglike rush of adoration, kick-ass creative outlet and mood stabilizing energy source- not a bad deal for yours truly IMO. In fact, the best I've found.